AFRAID TO LOVE?

'when I first met you I was afraid to like you, now that I like you I'm afraid to love you, now that I love you I'm afraid to lose you.'

Many people are afraid of intimacy and love, afraid to love, frightened of close  relationships, because they afraid of being dependant.  Not merely with other humans but also with pets, some may talk about not wanting to get close to a dog or a cat because of the short life span. When a pet dies they may decide or have already decided at some time in their life, that it is too painful to get another and are able to rationalise with reasonable justification.

I don’t want to be tied or I don’t want the responsibility of another living creature, Perhaps unconsciously fearing the inevitable loss of something they might grow to love.

As a therapist I hear of how people hide their feelings about another person, experiencing scare if they reveal what they really think. Withholding compliments, care and loving contact because there is the risk of ridicule or rejection. I generally relate this to fear the attachment, the love and the intimacy of closeness and fear of rejection.

This is often about fear of showing yourself to the other in case they do not acknowledge your presence so it is better not to do anything at all and live on crumbs of contact that just happen to fall your way.

For some reason some of us are unable to see the advantages of the contact with this other living creature, but we are clear about the disadvantages. The same with close relationships, the fantasy being that they might be tied or it might not last. There is generally a sense of panic in those words. The reason for being afraid to love or share oneself with another living creature will, in my view also be about the fear of loss or expectation of demand and dependency.

·        Think about how you withhold from others whom you could be close to.

·        How do you prevent yourself from being close?

·        Do you resist relationship with friends, people, places, pets’ etc?

·        How might you fear closeness with another what is your fear about?

·        Do you fear being engulfed or swamped by others?

·        Are you afraid that you might lose yourself in relationships with others not only sexual relationships but friendships and close intimate relationships?

·        Are you afraid of being close because you are afraid of the loss?

Instead of unifying with others the individual becomes afraid that they will be overcome, lose them-selves get lost in the other’s needs and wants and lose sight of their own. These are all ways of avoiding being close, defences against fully entering into an intimate relationship.

·        Does this apply in anyway to you?